Time has again decided to be lazy as hell and started to take most of the day off.

If I could perceive time through someone elses eyes I would be appalled at how little of it I retain.

But thankfully I don't have that perspective.

Considering graduate school, but have neither the time or money, and not even sure if I could get in.

Never thought that I would want to remain in an academic world for any longer than I had to, but the idea of being surrounded by people of that artistic caliber who all focus on concept art is just insanely alluring.

Have such a desire to improve, and I just can't stand to let it take any longer than it has to.
Still haven't become a hermit yet so most of that blame falls on me.

...

Continuing to have a stronger sense of "self".

Kind of feel like this is dangerous somehow.

But I'm still oblivious 78% of the time, so I guess that helps even things out.

p.s.

Go read "Scott Pilgrim".

It makes you feel ::awesome::

Ugh.

I think it comes from me just drawing individual items for years, essentially learning how to draw from doodles, but creating whole scenes always leads to me confusing the viewer.

I overdo it with color and with details, creating too many of them too evenly spaced.

I realize that I've started to do that again this time, but I'm going to push as hard as I can away from that for the final piece.

It's funny how it's so easy to acknowledge flaws but yet when you try and grab them they just get so damn slippery.

bah!

.

On a brighter note my life is awesome at the moment.

I really can't help it.

I just feel that everything is going to work out fine, not because it logically has to, but because I want it to.

Just as I feel that I should be able to influence the weather or the arrival of a subway train by willing it with my mind, I also feel that I will be able to influence the future through my actions and my desires.

Weather eventually clears up and trains arrive (even the G) and along those same lines the future occasionally turns out the way you wanted it to without you really having a say in the matter.

All the same, I'm glad I feel this way.

If things are going to work or not work regardless of my say so, then I'd really rather have the illusion that I'm doing something right.

I've had a relaxing week.

It wasn't really restful, but it was enjoyable as hell, and I actually got alot of stuff done that wasn't classwork.

However now I really have to refocus on said classwork.

I've got the teachers and classes of my dreams so it really isn't any kind of hassle to do the work. It's just a matter of giving myself the time.

Soo... in order to make this a bit easier i'm going to (probably) quit my job at the labs.

My internship finally has a confirmed job (or two) so that means contracts and that means getting some payment for real work instead of getting paid to shuffle papers around and nag fellow students about getting the proper semester stickers.

And I really do love doing this concept art business.

My teacher today told me I should go to graduate school for it. I would love to more than anything.

Can't convince myself that the time or money is worth investing though.

eh.

Okay.

So this city is going to be based off of manhattan, the areas around it are just wastelands now, and it's become virtually self contained, and heavily policed.

These are still just sketches.

Also comic con is this weekend and I'm planning on shopping my portfolio around. The advice alone from the professional artists will make it worth it even if no one else has anything for me.

...

Um, oh yeah!

Tolkien totally ripped off Wagner.

Just need to make sure the word gets out.

I remember when I was probably about eleven or twelve (well, young anyways. placing age is not a strong point in my memories) and I had eaten some bad ravioli.

I had already thrown up everything inside of my stomach and was dry heaving into the toilet, my eyes burning with tears and my whole body covered with sweat and shaking with the exhaustion of its exertions.

Life, at that moment, was unbearable.

However I knew that this wasn't a death knell, just food sickness. I knew that this wasn't a permanent affliction, just something that would last for hours and be done.

I knew that by the time morning came I would be asleep, and by that afternoon I would be fine.

It is true that chemically I seem to have been built to be an optimist.

So maybe it is easier for me to believe things will work out unless proven otherwise.

But I just cannot understand why so many people seem to embrace pessimism as if it is something worth holding onto, as if predicting failure somehow protects them from it, and as if accepting agony ahead of time somehow subtracts from the agonies of the future.

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So I applied for internships at Blizzard and Pixar today.

Both of them supply housing and both of them pay.

They are also two of the most desirable companies to work at in the country.

Haha, a chance in a million, but whatever, the nice thing is that it doesn't cost anything to submit a portfolio, so it's just like playing a fantastic lotto for free that not only calculates chance, but throws in skill as well.

oh!

And comic-con is coming up in a week, so although that won't be the same level of *awesome* that getting into pixar or blizzard would be, I figure I might as well shop around my portfolio there too.

Why the hell not, right?

Let's play god!

After all, in the long run what's the difference between a fictional city or a real one?

A stone carcass is a pretty lousy answer.

Well, I guess why not spend every moment the way you want to if given a choice?

Why spend even a moment doing something that doesn't make you happier if it is not necessary in some way for future happiness?

Be greedy for it, in the end, beginning, and middle it is the only true measuring stick of life.